The day

There is a day when it gets just so tiring of repeating the same things over and over again. The day when it gets too much that it doesn't give out any feeling anymore. For the time being, let just treasure the best we could. Dear young hearts, you'll always the special ones. I don't want to just get through the day. But I would want us to make the best out of each moment. And I know, it is a cyclic feeling. They will come and go but the moments and memories will stay forever.

Hi!

It has been a while since I have been an active blogger. Perhaps, I have been hibernated from blogging for some time and it seems that I couldn't really get everything updated. Well, this will be quite a long post of how life has been so far. 

I will be starting my final semester in few days for my degree year. Oh dear, I didn't really realise how time flies so fast. On the first day of receiving the offer itself, I don't have that clear idea of how the 5 and the half years are going to turn into. But this is it. 5 years and it passed just like that. Perhaps, it may not turn into what my heart wishes the most, but it is what God has in store for me. For that is the one sole reason that keep me going up to now. At some points, I am fully amazed of how things work on and never thought that I am going to end to some positions in life. Some are just heartbreaking, yes it was. Some are just unbearable, but God makes it bearable for me. Looking into everything, I am in awe. So here it goes, the 5 and the half journey has almost come to an end. I hope nothing but to cherish ever moment. 

Student life has been great and yes I am going to miss it so much later. But there is always a little wish inside me of wanting to go through a Uni life as life in IPG now is almost like the normal school life, even we got the same holiday terms scheduled. Perhaps, one day I will go for it. Next year if everything goes according to plan, I will be teaching in my own school. How does it feel? Of course I'm fully excited! I don't know why some just have this misconception about teaching profession for the obvious bonus we got; high pay and long holiday. Yes, that is rewarding enough for a young adult who has just started his/her career. But I am sure that each soul called teacher always has that fulfilment seeing the pupils succeed in everything they do, not just being intellectually competence but develop positively in their personality, talents and other soft skills. To make every young ones to realise their potential and soar higher. I always have that feeling every time when I walk and wonder down the street, that how am I going to fit each and everyone of my pupil in this society, how much impacts could I give to them so that they know their roles in the community. As the impacts that I carry to them could save their whole life or put them into stake. But not all days are going good either, at some points I may find myself mourning inside for the failures caused to the little ones. That's is life. Up and down.

Holiday has been so full though there were times when I found myself doing nothing. But being surrounded by the homey environment, it makes the heart feels good. Good is enough. Yet, there are times when I just feel insecure here. I don't know why but I just don't feel safe at time especially on the raising unwanted cases recently. Need to keep myself alert all the times. I have been going out a lot too, hanging around with friends and of course playing around with cousins, and the highlight; I cut my hair short and this time I just don't regret it at all, but not sure later. Well yes, I really have to cut it short for the weather here is just intolerable. At a point I thought I was sick for sweating so much though the fan is fully functioning, but I was wrong for my aunts told the same thing too. Okay, I am just a normal one. 

Perhaps, I won't be able to record every little things going on in life for the time being. Life next semester will be very busy. I have decided to go for things that I never try before and challenge myself to where I am able to soar. If I fail, it is still good because I know the process itself is rewarding. At least I try. And if there are days when I just feel so drain inside I will challenge myself to at least smile knowing that life is good. I will fully embrace the experience and the learning process and give my best in everything. So challenge accepted, lets do this! ;)

Lastly, I hope that I won't be forgetting the on basic things even if life is drowning me away. Dear people, lets remind each other. Smile and enjoy the ride!

I'll trust in You

There are things that are just kept between some souls. Some that just break the hearts for countless times. Some that just flash unpleasant scents. Some that hit into the deepest edge of the soul. But they are part of the things that made to who I am today. My heart chooses to acknowledge it presence because I know that when I was there, I was smiling. Some things are just meant to be in that way. So let it be. At some points, it gets me discourage a little yet I know that life is to move on, He knows the best and I trust everything in Him :')

The Art of Therapeutic

I had never realised that the therapy session could be a powerful medium of expression. For the last two days, we had been experiencing different types of therapy and even soaked into tears. The first session conducted was the Art Therapy. I did not intend to draw and colour things up to highlight some  of the events in my life. However, it was done unconsciously. There are lots of underlying messages behind the drawing even on the slight details. Though the interpretations could be a subjective one, but they are all closely related to my life. For the next four therapies, they were centred around different themes but related to each other: self, family and friends. They were not just conducted for us to understand the whole process, as the skills are useful in the teaching world, but also give us opportunity to express our inner feelings and emotions. It touches down to our souls.  

The sessions held also triggered us to do something that we seldom do especially in expressing love towards the people close to us. For sure, love could be express in different ways. But sometimes, it needs a kind of affirmation. It is easy to say 'I love you' to the person we love or our friends, but it will be awkward to say so with our parents especially when it is never practised at all in the family itself. I took the opportunity to do so, and it was kind of funny that my mother started to ask lots of questions, to ensure that I am okay or not. Don't worry mum, your daughter is super fine! ;)

Be strong, be bold

2013, it is a year when I started to do lots of reflections on my own, and with others. Talked with friends how the life transits, how the future gonna be, how a new circle of network is formed, how certain occurrence affects the way we perceive things, how memories from the past burst out laughters or shed  tears. Met new people and made friends. Stepped on foreign land and learn the cultures there. Know how the life transits in other places. Get into nerve-wreaking situations. Almost drawn myself. Thought of giving up when failures knock me down. Challenge myself to do things that I never try. Sat beside strangers and commenced random conversation. Made up tough decisions. Found the mate of my soul. Survived the miles.  And in everything, contemplating on lots of things.

One thing that might highlight the year is the reflection on human relationship. It is not a core subject learnt, but a major taught by Life. Sometimes, relationship gets so complicated. I couldn't understand it either even until now. Rejection and acceptance. Everyone has their on way of perceiving things, that what one said may be interpreted differently by others. To mouth out something is not to proclaim how 'right' one is and I didn't wish for everyone to follow my lead too. Any relationship, there are always challenges that come through it. It depends on each individual how to walk through it. And this major, it will take me a lifetime to understand it as I will meet more people and blend into new circumstances ahead.

Sometimes I'm wandering, what is it really to live a life? To be educated, to be famous, to get the top of everything, to travel everywhere, to make more friends, to sit and observe others, to establish in career, to start a family, to challenge self,  to eat, to attend events and the lists go on. Is it really necessary for one to be fully accepted by everyone, to change self just to fit in with others. Is it right to agree upon everything we hear, see and  read. Something that I couldn't understand either. It thirsts my soul to constantly seeking for the answer by seeing others, going places, witness events.

2014, I will learn to be bold; not afraid of taking risk and making decision. Learning that not everyone will put up hand for you and that is okay. Knowing that some hearts may get annoy just because you do things differently. Understanding that there might be unexpected things bloomed no matter how wise the decision made. Keeping self low, no matter where the grounds will be. Ready to always learn from others, because there are times that you will feel rejections and have to put on that sour face. And that is okay to portray such emotion as that is normal in human nature. Bearing in mind that there will always others who will judge the way you bring yourself and just let them be, because I hold no power to stop them, but to control the way I react and look into it positively. Though to be positive is just so difficult when everything seems to pull you down. But that is part of the learning process.

I guess this year will be lots of mental struggle, not just on the workloads but the relationship with others, the situations faced and the circumstances around. No matter what, dear heart be strong, be bold.

New term with new terms

Attending lectures for just few sessions in these few days bombed me with lots of new terms. Last time, we use to just do thing with the structure given, looking for information, trying to rephrasing in the most simplest manner, and presenting those idea for everyone to digest. But in this new term, you gotta use the mind productively. Deep thinking, deep research. Loading more input for your world, eyes, experiences. Taking into consideration of so many viewpoints, making justifications to which extend to agree and disagree. Weighing things out, digesting and absorbing all the abstract assumptions. Learning that there is no right or wrong ones, just how logic or creative you are in putting things together. Honestly, it was a kind of 'shock' to the mind. 

Though it feels like burdening the thought with so much new terms, but still I'm falling in deep love for the subjects. Very interesting, eye opening, insightful and of course inspiring for the heart and soul. After all those years, I am here, interpreting and analysing words NOT numbers. Dealing with language was one of the hardest things that my mind had once experienced, but now I am slowly adapting to it. Which make sense of the the notion that was exposed today: we couldn't be focussing on building up the strengths only, but also to look into what is deficient and find ways to improve it. Trying to strike balance in everything. Not intend to be a perfect one, but to learn, grow, develop as much as we could in every aspect. That could be one of the strong justifications of why I am walking down the path. 

With this new term, I hope I could get myself blend with the new terms too! 

2014 updates!

Hi!

So here I am again, doodling and rambling on things. I am back to IPG and you gotta believe it that this is my  final year! Finally, after all the sweats and inks poured, I am here standing as a final year student! 

Again, I haven't been writing so much about the holiday, the must tell Christmas story, the New Year celebration and of course the resolutions! As everyone ages up, the way they look, perceive and idealise on things change from time to time. That once, wishing everyone on a festive day through text message is a norm, but in the era of Facebook, tagging will spread the wish much more easier. The same go to other things. The way of how we carry things out will be different from year to year, and it is okay to be that. Won't it be good for everyone to change for the better version of themselves? In short, I just want this year to be a productive one, giving the best in everything that I am venturing into, and discover as much as I can even if the road is paved in such that it brings the heart pounding feeling of riding on the coaster. 

I have change the URL of my blog, which is now officially become - frecyllamay.blogspot.com., the title to 'Blessings in my Life' and the most obvious is my header photo. 10 pictures of my edited-own-self that depict the life I am in, though they are not able to precisely describe every single detail about me, but it gives you some idea on who I am. Again, my smiles, those symbolise the virtual greetings for you from me! Every change is to get the site more into personal look of me. This year, I promise to blog more!

Talking about this semester, we only have two subjects and 3 months of standing in front of 30-40 pairs of eyes moments. One of the subjects will be on Action Research, major paper. Honestly, I am curious and scared at the same time of imagining how would the sail be. I hope I could get the right direction of which way to head. Only two subjects? Yup, I have ample of time to have fun, being lazy and a loyal sleepy head! Still, I will force myself to be a productive soul. 

In 3 weeks time will be my third teaching practice, 3 months! This time, I hope that I could elicit and deliver as much as I could. Even though still standing at the inexperience level, but I will try my best to build great rapport with the kids as well as providing opportunities for them discover their own potentials and at the same time trigger their self-learning and self-discovering sides. I know that sounds so much of ambitious, heavy and what the what? Pointing this out is not just merely constructed sentence or disseminating some kind of educational philosophies. But something that come from inside, to realise that the joy of teaching do not come from the grade you get from the mentors, or the praises of how well you did in front of the class but the small little matters that come from the pupils. The joy that they experience from learning, the happiness portray when they are able to do something, the smiles of getting their efforts praised and so on. For this phase, I will give myself as much chance to learn and discover the 'pearl' of teaching too.

In 2014, I get to read and know that most of us want something new, something better and something great for our life. More happiness, lively life, great health, success, wealth and the lists go on. In my own age group, some have started to settle down with career. I love knowing about their stories of working life and actually couldn't wait from my turn too! I believe that everyone has special part and role in building the nation. No matter which profession you are, you could make a difference, carry impact and get people inspired!

Again, before the speech ends, I am not in favour for the road to be easy or sweet all the times. Let it be a challenging one, for I know that He is always in control of things, through the uncertainty and unpredictable journey. It is not just to feel thankful and blessed for the good times but to have faith that during the tough time, He wants us there for purposes and reasons. 

Lastly, I hope and wish everyone to have another great year!

The Journey

Promising to self to blog more this holiday but it was a fail. Maybe, I am not in that mood to write anything down. As holiday has almost come to an end, I decide to stay away from connecting with the Net. Spending more time on lively activities or just pondering my surrounding area. Getting to know, learn and understand how things work out,  how events carry the rippled effects and how people idealise their life. Weeks ago, few big rocks bumped into me, figuratively. At first, I thought that it was the end, but the story still need a continuation. Came another one which almost sunk me down and ripped the whole thing out. This time, I saw blank. I just felt like hiding under the blanket forever. But God triggers me. It was not the finishing line but the starting of another chapter.

As I age up, I realise that I am making so much assumptions, thinking and figuring on all the events in life. It is not just merely crowning one as a champion or a failure but it is a real, planned JOURNEY to be travelled. Regardless of all the things that happened, it gives me more opportunities to carry out new 'missions', commence conversations with those unknowns and experience the difference emotional states. True, that life can be 'suck' at time. There are people out there who will treat you the way you never expect, who will take you for granted, who want to show you that they hold the power to make you feel tiny. Still, there are many who own big hearts, who will give you opportunity to strive, who unconsciously share their stories to light you up and so on. Through everything, I learn that, no matter what the result is,  do acknowledge it because it is journey to be travelled, even when it goes to the downhill. I promise you that there is always light of hope at the end of the dark tunnel if you never give up hope. The reasons might not be unveil soon, but perhaps years later. 

Maybe, the road that I am going to travel later is a hilly one, and that is one of the reasons why I had been put into that situation. The experience gained from that journey, I will embrace it in my heart forever. 

What if...

Each soul must have ponder the same phrase, each day, each moment in life. I have been thinking the same too. Sometimes, I have so much positive vibes inside that I always describe life as GREAT! And I'm wandering if that word really precisely pointing on all the things that are happening, or am I just being positive with everything, pretending that life is really just great, or it is just a comforting word to tell everyone that I am happy enough with everything. The transition of life has been so fast at some times, and flows slowly at times. In between I found myself contemplating for so many times with big 'What if' accompanying each thought. There are just so much things that is unsure, unpredictable and incomprehensible. That one small thing happened could bring so much effects to the things around. Some just break my heart a lot. I thought that with all the exposures and experiences gained could make me strong enough to stand everything. But I was wrong. It is not just about achieving things, but to learn and realise the lesson tagged in each moment. 

For each fall back, I believe that it is a golden moment for me to reflect back everything. I couldn't just move  forward without analysing the surrounding. It is not just about being contented but to feel blessed for whatever states of life that overtake us, knowing that He is in control and letting Him works things out. To detach some feelings, pains and wounds are not easy, but it is a worth experience to shape, strengthen and heal the mind, heart and soul. Even if the road is just unsure, I will keep on walking and putting everything wholeheartedly in His hands.

LIFE: 'Subjective'

For all the things that happened or are happening, I have grown so much and I believe everyone does too.

Through the days, months and years, I come to learn that LIFE is SUBJECTIVE. That everyone has their own definitions and versions of it. We might discover the same things and facts in life but the degree of what kind of judgement we put into it are vaguely big, HUGE! 

And the clinche-ly quote always goes 'Don't judge, don't judge, and don't judge!' but the real fact is that people judge all the time, ALL THE TIME! 

For me that is okay! and I would be happy enough knowing that everyone is judging even though sometime it hurts. Why so? Because we couldn't run from not judging others. Why do we learn all and memorize all the Mathematics formula once upon a time: it is no other reason than to make your brain keep on calculating, thinking, analyzing, making the wise decision and be more critical! Which in short: use your brain productively! Just because we learn all the formulas, that doesn't mean that we need to encounter them literally on daily basis, but the implicit skills learnt through the process are the ones should be highlighted. 

I am not practising favouritism of proving everyone how useful the subject is just because I am a number lover. The underlying things that I would like to surface is the reason why people keep on judging and it is okay to do so. 

At some points, we might not realise that actually people do judge but the judgement made met with the expectation that we goal for, and in turn it becomes a compliment for us, a reasonable justification. 

But when it is the negative outcomes, the war starts! All in all, it always depends on an individual how he deals with the situations. Because everything that comes out is a great lesson if we look into it positively. At some points, we have to dare to stand no matter what are against us. Learn to step out from the comfort zone, trust your own opinions and be brave enough to walk on the road not taken. 

For all the things that happened along the way, which some make my faith shakeable, I am still feel grateful because it leads to where I am now, the ultimate blessed state and it is a testimony of how great God's love is.

P/S In case people are judging you next time, let them do it. As life is SUBJECTIVE, you define your own stance! ;)

'Have Faith'

One of my nurtured habits since I was a little girl is keeping a record, or maybe it is better pronounce as a 'diary' kind of things. From the previous post I had written years back, I started to keep the 'diary' when  I was in primary 5, which I guess most girls did too. When I entered SMESH, those habits became less day by day, means not a kind of everyday routine any more. But one thing I love to do is making cards for birthdays or friendship days or anything that similar to it. I guess I made a lot of them and received a lot too! I did also become so loyal writer of those received text messages! Everything is well kept until now. When I entered IPG, I am not really into those stuffs anymore, perhaps maybe because getting too much connected with everyone through Facebook and Twitter. Blog is the only place where some memories are recorded down and that is one of the reasons why I am still active with blogging, not just to pour the emotions out but also as a form of so called 'digital diary'. Yet, I always tell myself that 'thou shall not share everything with the world, there are some things that should be kept inside until the right time comes or perhaps just specifically known by some close souls'. The theme in writing varies through the years. Some might be on memories, plain posts, greetings, wishes, or perhaps the unstable emotions portrays on certain life events! 

Reading back everything always shower me with good memories. Just like listening to old songs which always makes the heart warms with smiles and laughters! It makes me to see how the life is transiting, so fast at times! Some days in the past, I never thought that I may end on some positions on this time of life. A little girl who sat at the back of the class who never had any idea that she will be wearing a pair of spectacles someday. A little girl who used to run freely down the road with childhood friends who never had any idea that someday she will be confining herself with more wonderful and amazing friends! A little girl who was paying attention to the teacher in front who never had any idea that someday she will be the one who is standing in front. Indeed, life is just so great!

Yet, doesn't mean that everything looks great depict that I never gone to any bitter situation. I have been there, many times, and I believe that everyone has their meltdown points too. But most importantly, we survive from it. Even though some things will just never be understood why it happened on the very first place because they are just not meant to be understood at all. Perhaps, unconsciously, the impacts of those non-understood kind of situation is for the souls around us, and God is using us to complete the circumstances. There were days when everything was just so wrong. Yet, I come to believe that there are experiences that God wants me to have to prepare me for the future that He holds for me. 

Through years, one big lesson that I have come to realise is to learn to have faith, even on the slightest things or when there seems just no way out to be found. Yes, there are days when I have forgotten why I have to stand here, why some things just don't happen the way I plan and why it is me. By reaching out for others, it always makes me ease. Reaching out not just in the form of saying things directly or being comforted on shoulder, but by just reading some words written or stepping out of the door and seeing the life of others. To learn to have faith is a process itself, some days we might fail to do it but never lose hope. Yes, saying 'have faith' to others is a kind of clinches because the phrase is not deeply live. To have faith come from one's experiences, it is a long process and the self needs to define it on their owns. 

The Breaks

I have so much to write, but so little mood to do so. But today, I MUST write!

Two weeks of holiday had passed with every little wonderful moment filling the gaps in between. 

What I love the most in this holiday is that I went to Ranau, which mean I did pass by Bundu Tuhan and Kundasang, breathtaking places! Though we were stuck like almost 4 hours on the way from Kundasang to Ranau, which it was supposed to be less than half an hour drive. Still, it was great to meet cousins and relatives from far. 

I met my childhood playmates too after almost 15 years! And one of them is married now and we met in her wedding reception. It did strike me a while when my grandma said that these day it is quite difficult for us to visit the relatives 'songgiro poh mongoi piruba, aiso no dii pagantakan' (okay, this is my own Dusun version). Indeed, the world is so busy nowadays, that sometimes we do not even have time to say hello to our own far away relatives or friends. So, if there are events held with holidays in between, we should always grab that opportunity to attend, meet and get to know relatives/friends.

My mother and I did also join the volunteers team for 'Sukan Sabah (SAGA) VI' under DBKK. Though at the very first place, I did not plan to join either because I just feel to be home and do nothing but it was too late to back off. Yet, it was a great experiences! I met lot of new people from various part of Sabah, with the different personalities and attitudes they exhibit. I did also make an attempt to serve the food just like the people in my Secondary school's dining hall, though that was not part of the job. I am sure that someday, I will be part of this big event again, not as a volunteer but perhaps from the school community. I might have to bring my own pupils to participate in one of those sport events. Apart from that, I did meet some old friends, see wonderful fireworks colouring the dark sky and experience live performances from the Sabahan's artists. Yes, it was tiring and I got to eat a lot! OMO!

The rest of my time was spent at home: doing cleaning up, arranging my wardrobe, watching movies, updating myself with FB's events, having Zumba session with my mother, playing around with little Amber, cooking for the whole family, reading books, singing karaoke with my little sister or alone!, having small celebration for my mother's birthday, driving aimlessly around the residential area or just sitting alone like a princess! I did go for outings too: hunting for books which I did get one for myself, meeting some friends, seeing the beauty pageants walking on  stage during the Giant's Kaamatan Day and the lists go on. Okay, I know I am writing every single things I did! O my me!

But yes, I love writing things out. That is part of way to record the memories and  the feelings. At least, one day when I read my old posts, that 'One day me' will say, 'Oh, I had been there before, wonderful!'. 

I have been doing so much of reflective thoughts too, I guess, after reading some thought provoking novels and watching inspiring movies: 

That sometimes, we are so busy growing up until we forget that our parents, grandparents and  everyone are growing old too. When we have the opportunity, do spend little time with them at least. Treasure the moments.

That some little things that could bring joy is forgotten. After going through tiring days, ourself needs a little break and there is nothing wrong just to sit down and  do nothing at one point of your life. Perhaps spend the time with the things you love the most, by yourself or with people you love. 

That in this world, we all have different ways of viewing things and we can't expect people to act they way we want. When people are showing their 'true' colour it is a good sign actually that we are knowing them more. Sometimes, we don't need to fit with them, but just accept them the way they are. 

That in every struggles, there is a purpose and great lessons tagged along. When life is turning its way around, it is not wrong to humbly ask for help from others.
That I am so thankful and blessed to have wonderful people around: family, friends and someone. It amazed me too how some things unfold beautifully at the right moment.

Again, it did hit me when there were days when i was so busy learning all the lesson in school that I have overlooked the little lesson that Life is teaching on me on each passed day. Even in the midst of business or brokenness, I know there is small little thing that makes life sweeter. I am blessed to be given the grace to understand Life, though it may take days, months or years to do so. From now on, I want to savour and treasure every single moment in life with everyone, even in a simple manner, and make them the best time in my life!

Movie and Me

I had been spending most of my free time watching movie for these past few weeks. It is like A LOT! It is not just about for entertaining or sitting like a boss on the chair, pulling all my sight on the screen, but more than that. Just like reading a book, it brings my mind to a wonderful journey to travel through the various life stories portray in those movie. I am sure there are so many underlying values that we can learn from movie. Like how to go through certain situations, how to handle some things or how to deal with those unbalanced emotions. It provides an insight, a wonderful one if we look into in positively! 

Sometimes, when I am walking down the road, I see many people with diverse appearances. Somehow by seeing them physically, I could predict how their life are. Like how their smiles tell me that something good has just happened to them or the anger shown as if someone has hurt them. Or by simply looking on their attires, it tells me the kind of job they are into or the life struggles they might be facing on that moment. Yes, my interpretations may not be all true but somehow it makes me to ponder, to spend some time to think about the little things in others' life, to build some empathy on the life of others and to come into understanding that some things are like that. This might be because of the 'schemata' built through watching movie. 

We might be stepping on the same ground but the world we are living is different in so many ways. The challenges, the hurdles, and everything in between. But, one thing i am sure about, we are all blessed in so many ways that we could never imagine of. Each of us, regardless of the vague differences, reciprocally complete each other. 

Again, there is no same interpretations of how we come into conclusion through the stories depicted in the movie. Because somehow, even we are agree upon a thing, but the degree of 'agree-ness' may varies.

But yes, movie and me, they click perfectly together!

A Thought

I went for my second jog today after one month did not have one, finally! Such a refreshing feeling! I have always love to jog! It is not just for health or to maintain my slimness! But more than that. At times, I love spending time alone, looking at the wide sky, seeing the sun setting, watching the people playing sports, listening to the song of flying birds or simply feeling the warm breeze. What a peaceful feeling! In that calmness, i get myself some time to reflect about life as whole. Thinking about the past events, the things that are happening now and the awaited future moments. For everything, all i could say is 'what a great journey travelled, and yes i can't wait for the next adventures!'

I did spend some time for outings, watching lots of movies, talking randomly and sleeping with no alarm set.  I am savouring and enjoying every moment of it! Yes, i need some breaks after the one month practicum. Listening to some stories on practicum from other friends makes me feel that 'yes, everyone is fighting their own battle, dealing with various challenges'. It was not just the teaching part that makes the tiredness grow but the process of planning and everything. We only have like 10 periods of teaching and given small tasks for this practicum. But when we are in the real world of teaching, we have to take like 28 periods per week and given some big responsibilities along the way. The challenges in physically, mentally and emotionally will be bigger than before. Life must be quite busy then. Sometimes, i wonder if i am able to cope with it. But i believe i could and everyone could too. Now, is the process of learning and training to prepare us for the real challenges. Most importantly, never give up trying and don't loss passion in what you are doing. This is not just happening to us, future educators, but to everyone in whatever profession they are into or going to be in. 

Through days, i learn that the assignments given, the lectures held and the events organised are not just merely there for us as college students. But that is part of the training for everything that lies in the future. Because in later days we are not only to deal with our career but also the people and things around us: family that need to be taken care of, friendship circle that need to be kept, relationship that need to be built or simply making time for ourselves and the lists go down. Having my practicum for one month too makes me feel like 'Oh, this is my working life in the future'. And yes, i was really rarely in contact with everyone. After everything ended, I just had that overflowed feeling of missing everyone. But this is just the earlier stage. There are still lots of things i need to learn and through the process i believe that i will be able to balance everything and everyone will too. 

I don't hope for something bombastic to happen in my life. I just want to live it, savour every moments, even through the difficult and hectic times, with the people around and feel the blessings that God has for me. 

'I won't give up'

Having my practicum now is like a dream turns into reality. Years ago, i saw some seniors went out for practicum and i wandered when would my turn be. And today, it is real, i am teaching my own pupils. And yes, they were still so many things for me to learn and to improve as well as to adapt with this life changing transition. Months ago, we were having our lectures on all the theories in learning but right on this moment, we are out there, applying all the theories into practical. It is really like a 'Dream Come True' feeling. 

After two weeks of practicum, i have seen some of the 'ugly true' in teaching. There were days when i was just so demotivated with things, questioning my ownself, my own ability as teacher. It was just a blurry sight that i think i had almost lost hope. I was wandering if my pupils did learn at least a thing in my class or they were just wasting 30 minutes of their lifetime sitting in my class. But after talking to some friends, it widen my perspectives to view things. It is still at the earlier stage. Lots of mistakes done but it is okay. That is part of the learning process. I can't expect myself to deliver a 'perfect' lesson either as i don't have that much experience. And again, there is no such 'perfect' things where all the pupils will get what is being taught. In fact, life-long learning: there is no stop of learning even if i am into the profession too someday. I have learnt too, that it is okay for the lesson to be the most simplest one at least pupils learnt something and the fun element is there as English is something really foreign to them. To inject the 'love' towards the language might consume a longer time. 

Sometimes, we are focussing more on future investment, saving too much things or money for the future that we forget that life is happening right at this moment. We should invest something for this moment too because when it passed there is no other way for turn back time. With that thought in mind, i have always get myself to be excited and positive everytime i enter the class. Get some exciting activity for the pupils as well as injecting the positive environment for learning. It is okay either for me to spend some money and time to make all the teaching aids, to plan my lesson activity to suit with the pupils or to buy some extra materials. Because i believe with those investments, it will not only give something for the pupils to learn but will make their knowledge one step further for their future benefits. Sometimes, i might be complaining on things but it was just to let go the feeling and to ease the worry. I know after the 'fall' i will rise again and i will always. 

Dear pupils, 'I won't give up'.

Becoming a teacher: A blessing!

Every profession is 'special' in its own way. Yet, it depends greatly on one of how he wants to set the degree of specialness.

Why being a future educator is so special for me? Because a teacher is a life saver of someone's entire life. The impact, no matter small or big, that teacher brings to the class could jeopardize one's future or could turn him into a great person one day!

Studying in teacher institute is not just merely of passing the examination, or scoring the highest pointer, or joining activities around campus, or having fun with course mates, or performing in an event, or staying up the whole night just to finish assignment. It is more than that. It is a process to prepare me for the real challenges in the career that i have chosen.

I don't want to graduate with just an excellent achievement in degree course, but i want to graduate with a smile on my lip and satisfied heart seeing back all the journey that i have travelled for years which has turned me to be my 'real' self. I don't want to graduate just as a knowledgeable teacher in my major field, but with the heart to share the knowledge I have with others. I don't want to graduate with just a title as 'Teacher' in my hand, but I want to stand with the title as a passionate teacher. Because the road that i am going to travel later is a long one, and just merely graduating might fade away the 'spirit' in myself. Studying for five and the half years is a room for me to build that endless passion as a teacher who don't only teach and educate but also inspire the heart of young generations. 

Being in college for five and the half years is a great opportunity for me to explore the different sides of myself through the activities, even the simple one, that are held. The assignment given every semester is not for me to just complete it, but it is a medium for me to improve and do better than the previous one. The events held are not just for me to join and enjoy but also a great paradise for me to discover the talents in myself. Maybe, some prefer to travel the journey in just a simple manner. As long as they pass, as long as they graduate, it would be okay. Yes, I do agree that simplicity is the best. But won't it be great to travel on the up and down path, on the challenging road, just like riding a roller coaster which bring a heart pounding excitement! 

Being a TESL student at first was something that my heart don't favour at all. Too hard to cope, especially when doing things that is not for your heart or something that you are not good at. But looking back the journey that i have travelled so far, it is more than worth. I am walking down this path for various 'real' reasons. Not just to be good at what i am not good at, not just to love at one I don't, but to be the 'blessings' for others that I met and going to meet along the way. There are many paths that i have travelled, some bring me to the down side, some to the up side, but i have no regret travelling on it. Because if i haven't taken some paths that are so different from others, i won't reach at this stage of life, and i won't meet the people in this position of life. But i have and i never regret it. 

In this stage of life, with the good and bad things, with the positives and negatives auras, with the up and down feelings, i still and always feel blessed. Indeed, God's plan is greater than i know. 

Becoming a teacher is not just a special call for me, but a blessing! :)
It is a long way to go, but i am sure i am able to go through it with God's grace.

Life: A growing process

Some people may inspire you through their speech, some through their words, talents, musics, personality, and the lists go on. In other words, each of us are connected to each other in many ways. Somewhere along the path, someone whom you never thought of will be one of the biggest 'blessings' in your life.

I am glad that i met many people with diversely unique personality along the way. The different form of 'blessings' that i received from them helps me to grow physically, emotionally, mentally and most importantly, spiritually. There is no such a 'perfect' figure of a human being. We are all still growing in many aspects of our life. The things in our life: family, friendships, education, career, enjoyments, relationship & etc. are the different form of mediums for us to grow. The people around the social circle are those anonymous Saints sent. But the foundation of everything, through the growing process is the FAITH that we are holding on to. 

Still, don't just GROW but LEARN too.

Happy Sunday :)

Sunday's Wonder

Sometimes, i wonder what should i be?

1. Should i be beautiful in the eyes of everyone? or 

2. Be a plain average girl? or 

3. Be what society want me to be?

After wandering for thousands times i found the answer. It is not about being beautiful or stay plainly or be like what a society demands you to be. Everyone owns an identity. Everyone has the BEST in himself/herself. So be the BEST of yourself. Be the way you want to be! 

Happy Sunday. Smile!

Little things in LIFE

In 4 more months, I will be entering my 22th years old age. Time flies so fast, isn't it? When my parents were at this age, it was the 'perfect' time for a girl be be married. But now, in this new era of generation, most ladies would like to focus more on their studies and establishing themselves in the career as well as to be financially stable before settling down. In between, there are some things that need to be put on hold until the right time come. 

In this state of life, i feel so blessed. Looking into everything, it is so beautiful. Yes, i am thankful despite of all the mix emotions and unexpected things in life. Having my family and friends around complete the circle of my life. I learn to see the little blessings and appreciate each of them. I was knocked down but gain the strength back to get up. Sometimes, i did complain on things but that is how i learn to see the different sides of life. 

When i am at the stable state, God made me to be the blessing to others' life. But that stable state won't last forever either, i do need some helping hands and everyone does too. Humans are created with the good and bad traits as well as with diverse strengths and weaknesses so that they are able to find the balance point in their life. So that, they learn to support each other reciprocally. The differences complete the human relationships. Life is just unexplainable. Different people have different says about life. When you are moving on your path don't fasten yourself forward, learn to slow down and enjoy the ride in life. That is how you will see the little things that matter in life. Life has many chapters too and it is up to us to doodle something on that chapter or just leave it blank for the rest of the life. I choose to enjoy every chapter, put some memories in them. Indeed, God has a great plan for us but we have to make the first step to begin something. 

Above all, I thank God for everything in my life and for making me to learn and see the little things in life.

Happy Blessed Sunday :)

Farewell 2012!

In 2012, i learn to be thankful in whatever situation i am. Everything is just more that enough. Thank you Lord for the blessings in my life. Though things are just so hard, so unexpected, so heartbreaking, so painful, and hopeless sometimes, i am thankful that He always there for me, never fail to lift me up. Thank you Lord. 

Indeed, there were times when i just want to stop being at some places and stop meeting some people. The feeling was so strong but still something keeps me on walking on that road. I am so thankful that people around me, family and friends, never stopping reaching out their hands for me. Never stop  giving motivating words and cracking jokes to lighten up the environment. I am not able to pass the word thank you to each and everyone of you but i appreciate every single things you did. Thank you friends. They are the anonymous saints sent by God to me. 

In 2012, i may have hurt some hearts too, maybe a lot of them. I sorry for it. I may have been selfish at some points. I may have uttered some unpleasant words. I am sorry for everything. 

I just want to be thankful for everything in my life now. For every single thing i have, every single person around me and every single moment that happened. 

Thank you everyone. Thank you Lord :)